Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
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* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”