Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
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WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Just as the prophecy foretold
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Bless you
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Coffee for people with no kids
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
How do you milk an almond?
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone