Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
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Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
damn he’s good