Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
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you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?