Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
You Might Also Like
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Lol.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video