Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
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50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I’d hang this in my house.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.