remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
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I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
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Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.