Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
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[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.