Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
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She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.