Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
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Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it