Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
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I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
This kinda thing happens to me often
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?