Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

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It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”


My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat


Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking


*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.


ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.


It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.


Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.


there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job


Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here


IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages