“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
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i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Who called it baking and not making love
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?