Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
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Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Has there ever been a more American story?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.