Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
You Might Also Like
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
me doing my best
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”