Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
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Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
the only bumper sticker ill allow
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.