Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
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ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.