Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Y’all know who you are.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die