Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
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You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Body by Oreos
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.