Remember to think of others this holiday season!
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In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
asked my bf how work was today
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Danger is very dangerous
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
we did it you guys we saved daylight
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….