Remember to think of others this holiday season!
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My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
It was worth a shot 😂
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.