Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
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Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I put the h in mysterious.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
adding to the discourse
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit