Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
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[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I’m putting together a team
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.