remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
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I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*