Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
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Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
How software testing works
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant