Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
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Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called