Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
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You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
rise and shine we got egg
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name