Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
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Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish