Who comes up with this kinda stuff
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
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I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS