@juliacomedy

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

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@Shade510

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

@MadHatterMommy

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

@InternetHippo

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

@mrjohndarby

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

@tpurvis06

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

@ACartoonCat

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

@Reverend_Scott

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

@

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

@PeachyPixel8

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS