remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
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When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose