Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
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*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.