Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
road rage
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
The “research” scene in every horror movie
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.