Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.