Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
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I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them