Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can鈥檛 dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 馃憤馃徎
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I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
For anyone who needs this today
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he鈥檚 just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king鈥檚 food taster had food allergies
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I really admire my daughter鈥檚 restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it鈥檚 no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I鈥檓 their teacher.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Poetry is my passion
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I鈥檒l buy 10 boxes
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) 鈥k yeah that鈥檚 what i THOUGHT
Pronouncing “driest” like priest