Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
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Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
yeet
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals