Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
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I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Check out the legs on this baby
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own