Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
You Might Also Like
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention