Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
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Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”