Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
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Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.