[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
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[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.