@dance_blessed

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

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@Brampersandon_

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

@panmidwest

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

@robotmouthfarts

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

@suzieQ0007

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

@YSylon

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

@clichedout

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

@ColoradoUgly

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

@huntigula

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

@geekysteven

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

@StupiDucker

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.