@Julian_Deane We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
@thepunningman Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
You Might Also Like
@Julian_Deane 
@ThisOneSayz Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
@Reverend_Scott I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
@FloodyHippie I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
@Princessofwifi Important
@AllanForsyth A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
@13spencer 🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
@nattylumpo88 The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
@GrantTanaka my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”