Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

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We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.


Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.


I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.


An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim


I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.


A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.


🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing


The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.


my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”