Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
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Go girl power!
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair