Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

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The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room


“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”


If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.


WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?


WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes


“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.


I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.


Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!


[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
day again why
how to unsubscribe days


My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”