@louisvirtel

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

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@smithsara79

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

@SortaBad

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

@0point5twins

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

@StymieBrewer

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

@rocknthepurple

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

@nutsaremixed

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

@BacklineNurse

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

@LibyaLiberty

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”