remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
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I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
that de-escalated quickly
Moms. The original autocorrect.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.