Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
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Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”