Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
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1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Netflix: We have Less
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
💁🏻♂️
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*