Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.