Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
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ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Candles never taste the way they smell
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself