Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
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Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
The Book. The Movie.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better