@Dawn_M_

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

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@BigJDubz

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

@mejustbeth

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

@graceupongracie

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

@withanewname

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

@ericonederful

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

@dksc4life

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

@summer_sequence

what the signs deserve in 2019:

Aries: peace
Taurus: rest
Gemini: happiness
Cancer: love
Leo: okay now
Virgo: that they’ve
Libra: stopped reading
Scorpio: i think
Sagittarius: animal crossing
Capricorn: for switch
Aquarius: might have
Pisces: pigeons as townspeople

@DuckhouseMedia

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

@internetluke

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

@PaperWash

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD