Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
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It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.