Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
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Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.