Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
You Might Also Like
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?