“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
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Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.