Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
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Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”