Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

This fish is cracking me up

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”