Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
You Might Also Like
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I need this for my side hustle.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.